Faith in Us

Today I woke up and I knew.
This time it’s a bit different.
This time, we need to make a decision soon.
IUI? Doctor doesn’t recommend.
IVF? Much greater chance of success, but much more costly.
Money, time, odds, STRESS.

Where are you, baby?
I feel you, in my heart.
You are there.
You are waiting to be born.
You must know more than me.
You are loved already, right now.
Who knows how many days until you join us on this aging earth?
When cool, sterile air first fills your lungs
And you force the air out again 
And you announce your arrival
and it sounds like angels singing!
But for now you remain in our hearts
We are preparing for you
We are waiting as patiently as possible
And we are doing all we can to get you here.
To get you home.
You are longed for.
You are dreamed of.
You are loved already.

My mom recently forwarded an email to me about choosing one word to be your sort of New Year’s resolution. I decided my word would be “WAIT.” As we have been waiting for a baby for so very long. And with Adam’s career, I feel we are waiting for more of his successes to come as well. So for 2012, we wait.
 
But I am transitioning into a new place in my hopes and dreams for starting a family. I am realizing how much more important it is for me to be in the will of God than it is to have what I long for.
I pray that HE is working through me and my circumstances, and I believe that he is.

Several years ago, I was at a church service in The Woodlands with my parents.
The sermon was about God’s Will, and the charge was to pray to God some dangerously powerful words. I don’t remember the exact, word for word sermon, but it was something like this: “God, I am ready for you to DO YOUR WILL THROUGH ME.”
This meant that my life as I knew it, the comfortable place I was in, might change drastically. I might not LIKE my circumstances. But I was trusting God to do HIS will through my life. WHATEVER that entailed.
Our preacher even warned us not to pray those words if we weren’t ready.
But I was overwhelmed with the desire to speak those words to God. And I did.

I’d forgotten about that day. About that prayer. Until recently when I read a devotional mentioning Job. My hero. Through such loss of riches, of loved ones, of health, he praised the Lord.

When I read about Job I always remember how I’m truly, truly blessed. I have so VERY much to be thankful for.

Of course I will continue to do what I can to start a family: seeing a specialist, IUI, IVF, etc., as that is what Adam and I want so very much.
But through each day and each victory and each “defeat,” as we WAIT, we will continue to praise the Lord as we trust he is doing HIS WILL through us.   

Last night as I snuggled up with Adam under the covers to fall asleep, I felt so at peace with my life. I was truly content next to him. It’s December, one of my favorite months. Although it can be very busy and stressful with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, December has always been a magical month for me. I love it so much. The extra dosage of a spirit of hope, giving, and happiness that fills the air… It’s contagious.

For this reason, all along, I had hoped Adam and I would have GREAT news to share with our families when we fly home for Christmas, 2011. With all of my heart, I wish nothing more than to be able to announce that we are going to have a baby. But with each day that passes this month, I am more and more sure that we will not be able to share such news. Another year will have passed, and I will once again hope that the following year, there will be a little bundle or at least the good news of one to come.

Over the past couple of days, I had moments where I just BEGGED God to make it so for this year. Even though I don’t “feel” anything in my womb, and my charted temperatures do not indicate a pregnancy, I have cried out to him more than normal. Almost in desperation.

And then, last night, I remembered something.

Back in August 2004, Adam had just moved to LA, and people in my Dallas, TX office would often ask me what was to become of us. I knew I wanted to marry Adam, but I didn’t know when that would happen, and there was fear and doubt trying to creep in to my heart. I remember standing in my kitchen in my little one-bedroom apartment, talking to Adam on the phone, trying to hold back tears as I told him I missed him, and I shared with him how people were asking me questions and I didn’t know what to tell them. Adam said to me, “Ang, don’t worry! I have a plan.” His words were comforting. Even though I didn’t know what that plan was, it was enough to hear that he had one. After all, I loved and trusted him more than anything.

So there I was, last night, standing in the kitchen of our little apartment in LA. I remembered that conversation with Adam from over 7 years ago, and it struck me that God is telling me JUST THAT.

“Ang, don’t worry! I have a plan.”
And His words are comforting. Even though I don’t know what that plan is. It is enough to know that He has one. After all, I love and trust Him more than anything.

So I have been given another measure of peace and patience and comfort…and it’s going to be, without a doubt, a very magical Christmas.

My small, deep red lipstick bag. The color perfectly symbolic of my inevitably returning menstrual cycle. Right on time. I clutch the bag in my hand as I take the “walk of shame” from my desk, past my coworkers’ desks proudly displaying family pictures of baby’s first steps and baby’s first tooth…through the door, down the long, narrow hall to the women’s restroom. Another month, the “F” word sounds over and over again in my head…oh, nope, not that one. This one: F-A-I-L-U-R-E.

I am Angie, a 33 year old Executive Assistant. My husband Adam is a music video and commercial director, 31. We got married almost 7 years ago, on a blissful winter day in 2005, after meeting in college and dating for 4 1/2 years. We are best friends and soulmates. We love spending every waking moment together- it never gets old. We are lucky that way. We see eye-to-eye on most things. And one of those things is the dream we both have of starting a family together.

In 2007, I decided to stop taking birth control and we discussed that we would not yet begin “trying,” but we agreed also that we would “not- not try.” Well, I sure wish I would have started reading all of the books I could back then about how to actually get pregnant. It helps to know what ovulation is, and to figure out when you do, and if you do, etc.

So 2010 rolled around. I would soon be turning 32. Adam was turning 30, and we both really wanted a baby. I started buying ovulation kits. Sometimes I would use them. I told my doctor our story, about how we’d been off of birth control for a couple of years and NOTHING. She seemed to have such a simple answer, and it began with two words that now cause my blood to boil when I hear them: “JUST RELAX, drink a glass of wine, have a romantic evening, and hopefully the next time I see you, you’ll be pregnant.” Well, I did a LOT of relaxing and plenty of wine drinking and STILL NOTHING. I changed doctors.

The first time I met with the woman who is now my doctor, Dr. M,  I almost cried. Adam and I both sat down with her and she, with her soothing voice, asked us where we are in life and what our goal is, a few questions about our health and habits, and then explained her plan for helping us to conceive. She had a PLAN! It was amazing, refreshing, and encouraging!  I was so thrilled to have found a doctor who could do more than confidently tell me to “just relax.” (Side note, I have referred 3 of my friends to her and they all love her too!)

My first step with Dr. M was to have an ultrasound. She looked at my uterus, and my ovary. Yes, I said ovary (singular), because she could only see my left one. My right ovary was obstructed by a large cyst. She suggested that I give it a month, then come back and see if it had disappeared. It did not. Next, she said maybe I should do two months of birth control because that tends to help ovarian cysts clear up. I agreed at first, but could not bring myself to put a pill in my mouth that would be acheiving the exact opposite of what we wanted. I went back for another ultrasound and Dr. M told me another option was removing the cyst laparoscopically. I agreed.

The Monday before Thanksgiving, 2010, I had my first and only (so far)surgical procedure. It went perfectly. Dr. M told me she also saw some endometriosis that she cleaned up too while she was “in there” getting the cyst. She told me the cyst was very abnormal, and that the inside of it was covered with little pockets of fluid. She said she thinks it was best to remove it, as it probably wouldn’t have gone away on its own.

So, back to baby making. After skipping a month for me to heal, we tried again for about 3 months, and still no luck. I had been charting my basal body temperature and noticed that my luteal phase was short- I usually only had around 8 days between the day I ovulated and the day I started my next period. In order for there to be ample time for a fertilized egg to implant, the luteal phase should be closer to 14 days. I had expressed some concern about this to Dr. M several months back, but I guess it was not a great concern to her at the time. After bringing it up again, she said I should start using progesterone to lengthen my luteal phase and see if it worked. The progesterone, though extremely unpleasant, did work. But still, no baby.

During this time, Adam had also gone to have a semen analysis. His first sample came back with unnerving results. We were told he had low motility and the morphology was not good. Basically, the sample had lots of deformed sperm that didn’t move well. They suggested that Adam come back for a second test in a month just in case the first test had been botched. We just so happened to go on a cleanse between his first and second samples. I am not saying I think it’s the whole reason why his second test had better results, as I realize there are several factors that could be involved, but I am sure it had a little something to do with it. The second report we got from the doctor was much better, and it sounded like Adam was in the clear.

Dr. M decided to go ahead and get me started on Clomid next. Clomid, the dreaded, yet common fertility drug. I’d read many horror stories about it. I took my first round in September. Then, my second round in October. One of the horror stories mentioned was that Clomid can mess with your mood. I do believe with all of my heart that it does. I have never been a more pissy, short tempered maniacal driver than I’ve been in the past 60 days. I blame Clomid for sure. And the two memorable break downs I have had on Adam in the least convenient moments together…yep…let’s just blame Clomid. But my cousin blames her 4th cycles of clomid for conceiving her first and second sons. So, as much as it can complicate things, it sounds like it can make miracles happen, too.

So here we are, all caught up on the secret underworld of my fertility or lack thereof. Why don’t more people talk about it? I’d never heard more than a “miscarriage” story here and there from women until I started sharing my own problems with conceiving. Now there are people coming out of the woodwork with stories on both ends of the spectrum and in-between. And it makes sense.

Every woman who wants a child has a journey to embark upon. It’s especially hard to “pack” for this journey. My journey is longer than I would have liked to have mapped out for myself. But here’s where mixing Faith into the journey helps me to “JUST RELAX.” Yes- there are times when I cry, when I hurt, when I feel desperate and hopeless. But mostly, I feel hopeful, I feel certain. I can envision myself holding our baby amidst falling tears of gratitude. And I can close my eyes and thank God for this journey. I believe we will arrive one day. It might be next month, it might be in another 7 years. But I trust that God will reveal His plan for us.
His great and tiny gift to us…
…and our new journey will begin.

Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

All of our struggles and stresses of today will be complete and utter joy tomorrow. When we hold this baby in our arms. This prayer, this struggle, this pleading with God. When it is a tangible thing that we can kiss and cuddle…it will all be pure joy. I love to close my eyes and picture it. To feel the lightest weight of our baby in my arms. That vision makes me feel all the more confident that it will happen. God will answer our prayers.